SOULL HEALING / SOULL JOURNEYS

So what is SOULL?

SOULL stands for (a) Spiritual Odyssey into Understanding Life and Love. SOULL Healing takes you on a healing journey – from whatever starting point you are at now, clearing up any old and unwanted blocks along the way .

Without the “Happy Clappy”!

dance party GIF

Happy Clappy was the phrase that one of my beautiful, but sceptical clients called anything spiritual. She’s now embracing her own Happy Clappyness and I love it.

There are reasons your life may not be panning out the way you want and it’s not all on you (the conscious you, at least). If 95% of your thoughts are running on some “loop” in the background, just imagine what you are not aware of? Mmm!

SOULL Healing allows you to make changes to your way of life and practice techniques to reduce your stress levels, improve your self love, self care and self worth. All without feeling you have to wear sandals and chant (although I do love a bit of chanting!).

Understanding yourself more, from the inside out, and connecting to your inner guidance system will help you to :

Avoid anger/angry situations.

Speak your truth.

Notice red flags more easily.

Attract people/situations/circumstances that will benefit you, not deplete you.

Improve your finances.

Make healthier choices for yourself.

Create better boundaries for work/family/intimate relationships.

Become more forgiving of yourself and others.

I wish I could say that’s it, but the benefits to improving mental, emotional, physical and spiritual wellness are endless.

Yet possible.

And then it happens…One day you wake up and you’re in this place. You’re in this place where everything feels right. Your heart is calm. Your soul is lit. Your thoughts are positive. Your vision is clear. Your faith is stronger than ever. And you’re at peace. At peace with where you’ve been. At peace with what you’ve been through. And at peace with where you’re headed. And it feels like bliss. You no longer have to apologise for who you are. Or defend your own boundaries like you’re at war. You can be you. Unapologetically you. Unashamedly you. Authentically you.

Check it out. You really have nothing to lose. But a lot to gain, if your teacher has appeared.

Believe in magic

One of the best things you can do, right now, is to believe in magic – the magic of the Universe, the magic of the Law of Attraction and the magic you have within yourself to create the outcomes you want.

Well, when I say believe, it’s more like trusting that there is magic. And, for that, if you don’t believe that you can magically change your life and improve your circumstances, I suggest you start small. Tentatively. Dip your toe in the water, so to speak. After all, what have you got to lose?

Start with synchronicities……

You may be tempted to call these synchronicities “coincidences”. My suggestion would be that you see them as synchronicities, which suggests alignment not happenstance (I love old-fashioned words!). Things will begin to “line up” for you. Doesn’t that trigger some excitement for you? When you start to feel that things are on the up, you have begun the magical process. Trust that the magical stuff is working in the background. You don’t have to check. You don’t have to pray on it daily. All you have to do is trust.

Now, life is about contrast. Ebb/Flow. Up/Down. Dark/Light. Day/Night. You get the picture. So you can realistically be assured that there will be events or conversations, interactions or correspondence that is going to knock you back. Magic says that, even in those moments when things appear to be difficult, look for the gold. In every situation, there is always a gold nugget to be mined, whether that be something you’ve learned, or something you have connected back to within you. Like not having appropriate boundaries.

Once you have weathered the contrast, get back into alignment – taking your golden nuggets with you. The lesson was for you to learn and evolve with it – not put it back down and forget it. Once you get back looking for synchronicities you will find them and the magic can continue. However, if you stay out of alignment for a long time, you will have to start again. It’s important you put yourself back in alignment as quickly as possible. Soon, you will get so good at this process, you will be able to side-swipe the contrast. Where there was anger before, you will have developed a more empowering way to respond. Where there was fear, there will now self-belief. As if, by magic, you will have become a more powerful version of you…

One of the main things to remember on your magical journey is to always, always, always be grateful. Be grateful for the synchronicities – for they show you are on your journey. Be grateful for the little wins you will also gain on your journey. Be grateful for the contrast, for they show you what more you may need to learn or pay attention to. Be grateful for the ability to get back into alignment. And be grateful for your outcome when it comes.

The good thing about this magic is that, once you’ve got your desired outcome, you can start again as soon as you wish. There is no limit to what or how many things you can manifest. This time it will be easier because you know the process. Even when you didn’t know the process, I bet there were days when you wished for experiences you have now had. Magic never fails.

If there’s something you want to manifest specifically, let’s work together.

If you……. then I’ll…….

This simple sentence is a contract that is often unconsciously created with people, and it can have a disastrous effect on your life.

Everyone creates unconscious contracts, from childhood through to adulthood. We create conditions which rely on other people to perform certain actions in order for us to feel certain emotions. In fact, we often create the contracts with people and then don’t even tell them about it! How are they meant to meet these conditions if they are not even aware of them in the first place?

“If you do … then I will feel …”

“If you don’t do … then I will be …”

The bottom line is, we cannot make anyone else do anything; we can’t force people to do things that meet our conditions. We have no control over anyone else.

The only person I can control is me. The only person you can control is yourself.

Watch yourself and see how often you say, “If you … then I ….” to yourself. What effect does this have on your life? Do these contracts make your life better or worse?

Stop making contracts that make you unhappy and start making contracts that make you feel great and allow you to empower your life.

Removing these contracts allows you to practice acceptance. You can accept people for who and what they are and what they do. It allows you to get on with these people better, stops you judging them and stops you from allowing them to hurt you.

Accept the people around you for who and what they are and remove the contracts that you used to have. You will find that your quality of life improves.

Accessing Your Spiritual Guidance

Over the last 10 years, I have been working with individuals, couples and families, as well as business relationships as a Life Coach and now as a Spiritual Life Coach. Throughout my work, I discovered that there is no real healing without a personal connection with a source of spiritual guidance. And over the past year, I was drawn to create a healing programme/course called SOULL Healing – A Spiritual Odyssey into Understanding Life & Love, which is a powerful six step psychological and spiritual healing process. .

Everyone in recovery – whether from alcohol, drugs, food, spending, gambling, sex, TV, codependency, or any other addiction – knows that they cannot heal without a connection with their Higher Power, yet for many, this connection is illusive. It is a common experience for me to work with people who have been in freefall because of anger, hurt, shame, guilt, fear and don’t have a direct, personal experience of their Higher Power. All of us want a direct line to our spiritual Guidance. We need this help in maintaining abstinence and taking responsibility for ourselves. We want to know what is in our highest good, what is the right decision in different situations, how to set appropriate boundaries, and how to manifest what we want.

It is the birthright of each of us to have a direct line to God, whatever or whoever God is for you. Yet few of us have learned how to do this at will on a daily basis. Surprisingly however, it is not hard to do.

The spiritual realm exists at a higher frequency than we do here on the physical plane of Planet Earth. In order to access the spiritual realm, we need to know how to raise our “frequency”.

One way to understand “frequency” is to imagine a room filled with people who are sharing love and joy with each other. This room has a feeling of lightness–a high frequency–whereas a room filled with angry, tense people has a feeling of heaviness–a low frequency.

So, how do we raise our frequency? There are numerous things you can do to help yourself raise your frequency, but none of them will work unless you have the intent to learn with Spirit about loving yourself and others.

Our intent is the most powerful tool we have for raising our frequency. There are only two possible intents in any given moment: to learn with God/Spirit about loving yourself and others, or to protect against your pain and avoid responsibility for your feelings. When our intent is to protect and avoid we seek to control – through various addictions – our feelings, others’ feelings and behaviour, and the outcome of things. When our intent is to learn, we seek to take responsibility for our own feelings and behaviour by discovering what we may be thinking or doing that is unloving to ourselves and others, and what would be loving.

You can try many methods of raising your frequency, from prayer to meditation to chanting, but if your intent is to protect instead of learn, none of these will do any good at all. The reason is that when the intent is to protect against pain, we close our heart so as not to feel whatever we are feeling. God cannot come through a closed heart.

We are each given free will when we come to this planet. This means that we get to choose our intent – to be open or closed, loving or unloving, protected against pain or taking responsibility for our feelings. While the love that is God is all-powerful, it cannot come into a closed heart. Just as the air you breathe cannot come into your lungs until you take a breathe, the love, power and wisdom that is God cannot enter your being until you choose the intent to learn about loving.

When you have a true, pure intent to learn, your frequency automatically raises. None of the actions I suggest below will raise your frequency without this intent. However, once you have this intent, the following actions can help to further raise your frequency.

• Move into your imagination. Your imagination is a gift from God. When you move into your imagination, you raise your frequency and tap into the source of your creativity and inspiration. Our willingness to move into and trust our imagination is essential to being able to connect with our personal spiritual Guidance When you first begin to utilize your imagination to increase your frequency and connect with God, you might feel as if you are just using your imagination to make things up. However, as you take the risk of trusting what you think you are “making up,” you will discover that it really is coming through you from God rather than from you.

• Keep your body clear. Your body is an energy system. If your body’s energy is clogged with drugs, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, sugar, heavy foods, lots of food or foods contaminated with pesticides, preservatives, artificial sweeteners or any of the thousands of chemicals that are added to foods, your frequency is lowered.

• Pray. Sincere prayers of gratitude and asking God for help in healing all blocks to loving can raise your frequency.

• Chant. Repetitive prayers, chants and mantras can open you to higher frequencies, as can singing in general.

• Dance. Rapid repetitive movement, such as Native American drumming dances, may open you to higher frequencies.

• Spend time in nature. The frequency of a city is far lower than the frequency of nature. Being among trees and flowers, near a river, creek or lake, at the ocean, in the desert, or on a mountain can all raise your frequency.

• Listen to classical or spiritual music.

• Do creative, artistic activities. Moving into your creative imagination raises the frequency.

• Use incense or do “smudging.” Incense has been used for centuries to raise the frequency and invite spiritual connection. “Smudging” is using the smoke from various dried plants such as sage, pine, cedar and lavender to clear the energies in a room and raise the frequency. Smudging has been used for thousands of years by indigenous peoples throughout the world.

• Lighting candles. Candlelight, too, has been used for thousands of years to clear the air and raise the frequency.

If you get into the habit of asking yourself throughout the day, “What is my intent? Am I trying to control something, or is my deepest desire in the moment to learn about loving myself and others?”, you will begin to understand intent. This will eventually lead you into hearing, feeling, and seeing your personal spiritual Guidance.

ARE YOU IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP? BEWARE OF THESE SIGNS

You may long to be in a relationship, but not all relationships are created equal. Some relationships cause more grief than they’re worth. While being alone can be a bit of a downer, it can be preferable to being in a toxic relationship.

Ask yourself if your relationship is enhancing your life or making it more challenging. You deserve the very best!

Toxic relationships can be challenging to leave. It’s not comforting to face the world alone, even temporarily. However, a little alone time can have its advantages, too.

There are several signs that you may be in a toxic relationship:

  1. A consistent lack of trust. It doesn’t matter whether you don’t trust the other person, or they don’t trust you. Relationships are incredibly draining when there is a pervasive lack of trust. There’s never any peace.

  2. You’re forced to compromise your values on a regular basis. When you’re put in the position to live outside of the tenets you consider to be most important, your self-respect suffers. A healthy relationship makes it easier to be at your best.

  3. Your partner isn’t supportive of your success. They say you find out who your real friends are during times of distress, but the same can be said of periods of success. It’s not uncommon for friends and family to be unsupportive when you’re doing well. The last thing you want is a partner that displays this type of behaviour.

  4. Dismissiveness. Are either of you dismissive toward the other? Your interests and projects should be respected. This works both ways. If you’re dismissive of your partner, your relationship could be better.

  5. Your partner is unreliable. If you can’t count on your partner, your life is more stressful than it needs to be, and your relationship is harming you.

  6. Going somewhere else after work is more relaxing than going home. What’s worse than spending a stressful day at work and deciding you’d rather go sit in a coffee shop alone than go home to your partner? It’s nice to have a home that is an oasis from your everyday stressors.

  7. A lack of affection. There’s a lack of closeness when affection wanes. Ask yourself why you no longer want to touch each other.

  8. You resist confiding in your partner. When you have something sensitive to discuss, it would be nice to be able to rely on your partner. If you find yourself hesitant to share, it could be a sign that your relationship isn’t healthy. Ideally, your partner is also your best friend.

  9. The relationship is harmful to any children involved. Relationships should enhance the lives of the children. Frightened or discouraged children are a warning sign.

  10. You feel unsafe with your partner. No relationship is worth risking your safety. Make your health and well-being a priority in your life.

  11. You can think of other people with whom you’d rather be in a relationship. Do you find yourself wishing you could be in a relationship with a friend or coworker instead of with your current partner? Something is amiss if you’re imagining yourself with someone else.

Hopefully, you’ve reached the conclusion that your relationship is healthy, supportive, and a source of inspiration.

If you believe your relationship is toxic, take the time to investigate further. Be willing to get help from a relationship professional, too. Toxic relationships aren’t worth your time or peace of mind. Ensure that you’re taking the best possible care of yourself.

Overcome Jealousy and Possessiveness

Have you ever found yourself battling feelings of jealousy and possessiveness? These are the two major factors in the destruction of romantic relationships.  However being aware of your behaviours and making the decision to change is half the battle! After that, practising the strategies below can rid you of these negative feelings so you can enjoy healthy relationships.

Signs of Jealousy

The predominant trait of a jealous person may appear to be selfishness. Underneath that, the person may be dealing with low self-esteem/self worth.  They may have an inferiority complex, or even a fear of abandonment.  The jealousy may be a trauma response, and even though we don’t go into relationships to become our partner’s therapist, it is important to remember that whilst we don’t all exhibit our past hurts the same way, we know how it feels to be triggered by something. 

If you are the jealous partner, the challenge for you is to overcome your feelings of inferiority and excessive need for approval.  You may need to recognise though, that your partner may not be the right person to help you overcome this.  You love your partner, you want the relationship to be more stable than it is.  So, bravely take the steps you need to.  You will be grateful you did.

Envy vs. Jealousy

Although people tend to interchange these terms, envy and jealousy are two different emotions. Envy is when you wish you could do as well as the other person. But when you’re jealous, you want to be the only person who’s doing well. The jealous person always wants to deprive the other of his success.

Envy can be a good thing when you use it properly. It can spur you on to improve yourself and your circumstances.  Envy can be a useful tool to motivate.

Possessiveness

In the case of possessiveness, there’s no third person involved. You feel worthless unless someone loves you and proves it by showering you with their complete attention.

Both jealousy and possessiveness spring from the same source: an overwhelming need for love and approval.

The Solutions

Even if you have these traits, it doesn’t have to be that way forever. There are techniques you can use to reduce or eliminate these negative feelings. With a little practice, you can be on your way to enjoying your relationships without the hindrances of jealousy and possessiveness.

Here are some tips that can help you overcome these feelings:

  1. Accept yourself. Nobody is perfect! No matter how perfect a person may seem to you, they have some flaws. You don’t need to be perfect to be worthwhile, or loved in order to prove you’re worthy. Don’t allow others to judge your worth.  Learning to love yourself is one of the most empowering thing you can learn to do.  It paves the way for others to learn how to love you too.
  • Be kind to yourself. When you face challenges or a breakup in your relationship, self-blame leads to guilt and feelings of inferiority. Take responsibility for your actions, but refrain from blaming yourself. Sometimes lessons can be hard, but there’s something you learned from it.
  • Believe in change. You might think that jealousy and possessiveness are an intrinsic part of you that cannot be changed. The truth is, if that is your belief, you are right.  However, if you believe that you can change the way you view things, and, more importantly want to change, you can and you will.
  • No one can own anyone. It’s common for lovers to fancy that they “belong” to each other. This is one of the most dangerous beliefs of the jealous and possessive person. No matter how much you’ve sacrificed for your lover, you simply mustn’t think of them as you would your car or house.  People have the gift of free will and choice.
  • If they want to leave, let them go. There’s no point in caging someone who doesn’t care for you any longer. There can be no harmony in such a relationship.
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  • Cultivate a hobby. Those who make another person the centre of their lives are naturally jealous and possessive. One sure-fire way to stop centering your life on your lover is to develop an interest of your own.
  • Once you learn how destructive jealousy can be, you may find it easier to empower yourself.  Make small changes to the way you do things, like calling your partner less whilst you work on yourself. 

A certain level of independence in a relationship is more attractive than co-dependence.  Jealousy, possessiveness and selfishness are relationship poisons.  If they are ruining your relationship, take steps today to make a change.

Cut cords, release negative emotions, strengthen your relationships with my 6 week, online programme –S.O.U.L.L. Healing.

Top 10 Habits of Couples in Healthy Relationships

Healthy relationships share several commonalities. By adopting these successful relationship habits, you can help to ensure the future of your own relationship. Many of the habits may seem like common sense, but you’re probably not doing all of them! After a while, all relationships fall into a routine.

Here are 10 ways to strengthen your relationship:

  1. MAKE BIG DECISIONS JOINTLY

•Feeling a sense of control over one’s life and future is important.

•You take that away from your partner when you make meaningful decisions by yourself.

2. MAKE FORGIVENESS A WAY OF LIFE

•There are plenty of opportunities for forgiveness.

•The alternative is to hold a grudge, which leads to resentment (…which is super toxic!).

3. SHARE COMMION INTERESTS

•You must have at least a few things you can enjoy together.

•Common interests can help to make you closer as a couple

4. PRACTICE ACCEPTANCE

•Everyone has their flaws. Your partner undoubtedly has a few habits and tendencies that get on your nerves.

•It’s hard enough to change your own habits. Changing someone else’s is even more challenging. Accept your partner as is.

5. MAKE YOUR PARTNER FEEL LOVED

•Each person feels loved by different words and actions.

•You might be working hard to make your partner feel special, but in an ineffective way.

•Learn what makes your partner feel loved and make a habit of doing those things.

6. ENJOY SOME ACTIVITIES SEPARATELY

•No one can satisfy 100% of your needs. It’s not fair to have that expectation.

•Enjoy time out with your co-workers and friends.

7. SHARE A BEDTIME

•It’s important to hit the sheets at the same time several nights each week.

•Snuggling together at the end of a long day is a great way to bond, even if you go to bed with your partner and then get back up after they’ve fallen asleep.

•Naps are another way to shift sleep schedules to coincide with your partner.

8. COMMUNICATE OPENLY

•No one should have to guess your feelings, opinions, or complaints.

•Be fair and speak up. You’ll save yourself and your partner a lot of grief.

9. SHARE A VISION OF THE FUTURE

•Two people working together toward a common goal are more likely to stay together than two people on different paths. #

•Create a shared vision and work together to accomplish it.

10. TRUST RATHER THAN DISTRUST

•When you don’t have a complete picture, do you lean toward trusting or distrusting your partner?

•Distrust that hasn’t been earned is like poison to a relationship.

•Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. They’ll appreciate it.

Creating a trusting bond that can stand the test of time requires work and an effective set of habits. The little things matter, so take the time to examine your relationship habits and enhance them whenever you can.

A few minor changes can mean the difference between your relationship thriving or failing. Get started with some happy habits today.

Day 5: Affirm Others

Last day of this quick, easy and light self esteem challenge.  Today we’re going to be talking about the surprising power of affirming others.

Few people realise this, but affirming others is a powerful way to boost your own self-esteem.  It forces you to think through the things you appreciate about others, which in turn makes you more attentive to your own strengths.

Affirming others also strengthens your positive relationships, so you can continue to be surrounded by positive people.

Finally, affirming others often leads to others affirming you, which creates a circle of positive energy. You don’t want to affirm others to get compliments yourself, but it is one hugely valuable side effect.

 “No matter how sure you are of someone’s love, it’s always nice to hear it.”

By taking the time to affirm others, you build both their self-esteem and yours. It’s a total win-win.

Write down the three people who surround you with the most positive energy.  Now, under each person, write down THREE things that you really appreciate about them. This can be anything, from their sense of humour to their work ethic to their love for nature. It doesn’t need to be anything profound, just meaningful.   After you’ve written down three items for each person, contact them via phone, email, or text and tell them how much you appreciate them. Affirm their strengths and make no comments about their weaknesses.

Your goal is simply to affirm them and make them feel good about themselves.

What you’ll discover as you do this is that it creates a true cycle of affirmation, with you affirming others and others affirming you.  As this happens, you’ll see your self-esteem leap skyward.

Remember to affirm 3 people today. After you affirm them, come back and share in the comments how they responded.

 

Make lemonade

In order to wake up, we need a wake up call.  And, my friends, COVID-19 is it.

A “new normal” will emerge from this.  When this is behind us, we’re going to see changes, in the way we interact with each other, in the way we manage our relationships (financial insecurity is a major threat right now), and even in the way we date.

We cannot afford another situation like this to occur and we have the time now, in the midst of all the chaos, to create our own ‘new normal’.  How do you want to live, going forward?  The choices we make right now will determine what comes next and we can either embrace this time we have to learn a new way of being, or not. 

If we have to stay inside, why not learn how to ‘go inside’?  Meditation may seem woo woo to some, but not as woo woo as spending the time in fear!  Online exercise classes that you can do with the kids will work off some of that pasta and tinned food.  And when you can, enjoy the onset of spring by going for a walk. Catch up on your reading, declutter your home, your emails, your mind.  Do an online course that you can implement in your future.  Lifestyle changes will be necessary, so make them work for you.

You can’t control what’s happening in the world but you can control how you respond to it.  Limit your exposure to the things that fill you with fear.  Watch/listen to things that make you feel good, not drain you.

Make lemonade 🤗

Lemon above the water
Photo by Lukas

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9 Signs That You’ve Found Your Purpose

Do you know your purpose? Most people don’t, and a few think they do, but are incorrect. However, there are several signs that you have probably found your purpose. It might be something that’s right under your nose that you’ve never considered.

Once you’ve determined the purpose for your life and begin living it, it feels like everything falls into place.

finding your purpose

Have you found your purpose? These signs may enlighten you:

  1. The time flies by.  When you’re spending time pursuing your purpose, it’s hard to figure out where the time went.  There are only a few activities that allow you to seemingly escape the passage of time.  It’s an amazing feeling to find something that’s so easy to work on when other things can be so painful.
  2. You feel calm.  There’s a sense of relaxation and focus when you’re living your purpose.  You can just feel that you’re doing the right thing and living your life the way it is meant to be lived.  There’s a peace that comes from living your purpose that’s hard to describe until you experience it for yourself.  How do you feel when you wake up in the morning and know you have to face another day at work?  Do you feel good about it?  Or do you feel annoyed and stressed?
  3. Money isn’t the driving force.  You’re not drawn to your purpose by the financial rewards.  However, there are often great financial rewards for living your purpose.  You’re interested, motivated and enjoy that subject.  That’s a great recipe for providing a lot of value.
  4. It feels natural.  Living your purpose feels right.  It’s a similar thing to finding your perfect partner.  It’s a very comfortable feeling.
  5. You gain energy by doing that thing.  Your purpose creates energy within you.  It doesn’t drain you.  When you spend your day doing something you don’t like, you feel exhausted by the end of the day.
  6. You’re more willing to take risks that usual.  When you feel less stress in your life, you’re willing to take on more risk.  When you’re doing something that’s important to you, you’re willing to be braver.
  7. Luck is on your side. There’s no scientific explanation for it, but you seem to be a lot luckier when you’re living your purpose.  When you spend your time doing things you don’t like to do,your luck seems to go down the pan.  Think about your life and you’ll find this to be true.
  8. You spend less money.  There are just a couple of  reasons to spend money :-

You can purchase something you need, like food or water;

You can purchase something you want, like a TV;

You can purchase things to make yourself feel better.  The more miserable you are, the more likely you are to overspend as a way of boosting your mood and self-esteem.  When you’ve found your purpose, you’ll find that you spend a lot less because you are more content.

9. You care less about what others think.  We are all sensitive to varying degrees about the opinions of others.  But when you’re engaged in your purpose, you are free of this concern.  What you’re doing feels so right that you’re not interested in what others think about what you’re doing.  You feel free.

You feel lost and discontent when you’re not living your purpose. It’s hard to describe, but something just feels off. Finding your purpose and building your life around it is the most satisfying and enjoyable way to live.

If you haven’t found your purpose yet, don’t give up. There’s still time to discover it and live the life you were meant to live!

Make communication a relationship priority

In a relationship, when communication starts to fade, everything else follows.   Some people enter relationships under the illusion that everything will somehow turn out magically, without the need to communicate thoughts, feelings and needs.  But that is the quickest way to start derailing your relationship.  When you and your partner communicate well together, however, it strengthens your bonds of friendship and deepens your relationship. You connect on a deeper level and care about each other’s thoughts, feelings, dreams, and goals.

communication (d)

Try these strategies to communicate better with your partner:

  1. Be honest. Honesty is always the best policy. This is because your relationship is built on trust. If you violate that trust, it’ll damage the communication between the two of you. It’s more difficult to express yourself when you feel like there isn’t that basis of trust.
  1. Listen well. Communication is a two way street and listening is half the equation. When you’re good at listening, you become good at interpreting and understanding your partner’s underlying feelings. When you understand your partner, you’re less likely to get into petty arguments because you’ll know where they’re coming from in the first place.
  1. Let your partner finish what they’re saying. Whether you’re in the middle of an argument, or your partner’s just telling a story, be sure to hear them out. Listen to everything they have to say before you try to get some words in too.
  • This will tell your partner that they’re important and what they have to say is worth listening to. If you jump in and interrupt, you’ll send the opposite message.
  1. Share your feelings. Learn how to express your feelings with regularity. If it helps, schedule some time every week to check in with each other emotionally. It keeps you connected to your partner and you’ll both always know the status of the other person.
  1. Make time for each other. It’s also important for your communications to share special time together. Perhaps you have similar interests and can bond over certain activities. Maybe you can schedule a date night where you can grab dinner together on a regular basis.
  • Especially if your partner is going through a tough time, it’s important to clear out space in your schedule to support them and reinforce how much they mean to you.
  1. Avoid reacting in anger. When you disagree, as all couples do from time to time, learn how to express your opinions in a healthy way. Avoid name-calling and take time to cool down if you have to. This is especially important if you tend to say things you don’t mean in the heat of an argument.

Even though it may take some work to bring about this deeper communication, the benefits are well worth it. Give these strategies a try, incorporate them into your daily life, and enjoy a new closeness as you take on the world together!

Contact me for further tips and strategies on improving your relationship communication.

Before You Take Revenge, Read This

revenge2

Revenge is a common theme in our lives nowadays.  It’s a common theme in movies, in soaps, in music and on our streets.  It’s portrayed as something satisfying – even noble, the wronged hero punishes the wrongdoers and ends up vindicated and validated.   The ugly truth is, Revenge is not an intelligent solution. It solves nothing and creates additional challenges.

There are several disadvantages to revenge:

  1. Revenge extends the conflict. Obviously, if you’re considering revenge, there’s an issue of some sort. Revenge doesn’t put the issue to rest. It causes the issue to continue. Imagine if the other person then seeks his own retribution. Where does it end? Someone has to be willing to let it go.
  2. Revenge won’t make you feel better in the long run. Revenge is satisfying for a few minutes, but nothing has really changed. Whatever was done to upset you still exists. You can’t go back in time and alter the course of your history. Revenge accomplishes nothing in the long-term.

  3. Revenge isn’t free. There is always a cost and it’s not without consequences. The subsequent actions of the other person may cost you. You can lose sleep, your self-respect, your freedom or even your life if you take things too far. Your peace of mind is also at risk.
  4. Revenge prolongs the pain. Time can heal all wounds, but only if you don’t reopen them. Allow your wounds to heal by moving on. Giving the situation too much attention only makes you more miserable and prolongs your misery.

Revenge isn’t a good solution to any challenge or hurt. There are wiser and more effective ways to handle your anger and pain.

What to do instead of getting revenge:

  1. Forgive and let it go.  This is easier said than done for most of us. But what other option do you really have?  Unless the possibility of ruining your own life is a better and easier option.  The only way to stop feeling bad about the situation is to let it go. You don’t have to forget. After all, it would be a shame if you didn’t learn anything from your negative experience.
  2. It may not seem fair or right to let the other person off the hook, but forgiveness is for your own benefit.  Not theirs.  And you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with this person in your head, do you?  Revenge certainly won’t take the event away.
  3. Learn from the situation. Did you do something foolish? Were you too trusting? Was it an issue specific to the other person? How can you avoid the same outcome in the future? Do you need to exclude the other person or a group of people from your life?  Were you too naïve or too trusting to make a smart decision? Determine the cause and then consider a reasonable method of prevention. Take advantage of a negative situation by learning from it. You’ll be a stronger and more capable person for it
  4. Meditate or pray. Meditation and prayer can put your head back in the right place. You’ll feel more calm, relaxed, and centred. Clear your mind and get to a place of rational thought. You can’t be upset unless you allow yourself to be.
  5. Do something that you enjoy. Remind yourself that good things are all around you. Spend an evening with a good friend or with family, read a book, or travel and explore. What activities do you enjoy the most?
  6. It doesn’t make sense to spend any more time on the negative issue than absolutely necessary.

Revenge has been  a common theme in history and is actually a natural human reaction. However, revenge seems like a better idea than it really is. Revenge hurts you more than it does the other person. Leave revenge for the movies. Forgive those that have wronged you and enjoy your life.

THE BEST REVENGE IS MASSIVE SUCCESS – Frank Sinatra

To your success!!

Running InterFEARance

Are you running a desperation script?

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Some people have a relationship desperation script, for some it’s a lack of confidence desperation script. Years ago mine was a money one.   I threw money away in the hope of making money.  It didn’t work, and why? A desperation script is the negative side of who you really are and because of that it  keeps you stuck.   When you’re feeling that panic about a situation, chances are your desperation script will send you to a solution that worsens the situation- not make it better.

Ever hooked up with someone unsuitable whilst feeling unattractive, not confident, unloved?

Ever made a serious of “rash” buys/investments/loans because you were in a money bind?

Ever said/did some stupid hurtful things because you were feeling hurt?

The list is endless.  When we are feeling emotionally depleted and scared, we let our desperation script run wild and all we end up with is more fear, more desperation more despair.

There’s a great little tool to help combat anxiety where you interrupt your anxiety with gratitude.  When you feel the waves of anxiety, turn your focus to all the things you can be grateful for in the moment – however small.   It requires practice and patience, but change is a process, not an event, right?  That’s what I tell my clients.

So pattern interrupt your desperation script, or, as I like to call it, Run InterFEARance. Ask it what it really wants to help you achieve right now.   And if the course of action will seriously help you achieve it?  Don’t be afraid to ask the question because you will receive the right answer.

Oh, and listen for the voice.  Who does your desperation script sound like?

#runinterFEARance

 

5 Reality tv myths

I don’t normally post things like this but having just dropped my son to Uni and interacting with some students, I came away with first-hand knowledge of how some so-called “reality” TV programmes are shaping the minds of future generations. By virtue of the fact that the programmes have the word “Real” in the title (Reality), there’s almost subliminal message that they portray how things are. They aren’t. What these programmes do well, however, is to promote low self-esteem, comparison, anxiety, mental imbalance and stress.

Not to mention storing up shame, guilt and regret for the future.

My opinion? It’s certainly not reality, and I’d question the entertainment value. Watching someone publicly unravel for the sake of money, fame & love (usually in that order) as a way to get ahead is not what I would call entertainment.

I may come across as an old fuddy-duddy – and I am unapologetically so. I was young once – so my concerns are on the back of what I did way back when and what I know now. As well as what I see in my day-to-day life as a therapist. I don’t tell anyone what to do – I hated it when anyone tried that with me, but I can open a door for anyone to look through to see what the reality could be, if you don’t fall for the reality TV myths.

Myth No: 1 You have to look a specific way to be attractive.

When you learn that attraction isn’t based on looks and that we, humans, are “energy” – energetic beings that attract to us what we project, then perhaps you can learn how to attract to yourself exactly what you want, without running the risk of disfigurement with fillers, plumpers, unnecessary operations.

Myth No: 2 You can sleep your way to happiness. Sleeping with many partners creates attachments (called cords or soul ties). Don’t get me wrong, sex is great fun. It is also a “spiritual” act. Think about that sexual partner you can’t forget – that’s down to those “cords”. And they have to be cut. Also, as shown in some of these reality TV programmes, many sexual partners can be a deal-breaker for some people and you may be faced with a choice which is losing someone you were beginning to care about, or lying to them (and yourself). You’re now opening the door to guilt, shame, regret, anxiety.

Myth No: 3. It’s normal to compare. According to whom? And what exactly is the comparison? You are unique. I am unique. He is unique. She is unique. They are unique. We are not the same. We all have a different fingerprint, which means you are rare – one of a kind. There’s nobody who can be you. That is your superpower. One thing you can be sure of, the person or life you are comparing yourself to (and envying) is wishing they were in someone else’s shoes. You’ve heard the saying : “Comparison is the thief of joy”. Comparing yourself to someone else negates gratitude for who you are.

Myth No: 4. You have to kiss a lot of frogs……Hell no! Even if this were true, why would you want to? These reality programmes are a game, based on the fear of the contestant losing their shot at success/fame. So they ignore red flags. The trouble is,, that filters into “real” life. Everything is now so time pressured, we want results quickly. When you stop and listen to your intuition or you learn how to you see the red flags, you eliminate the need for all that frog-kissing.

Myth No: 5. Time is running out. For what? You have the ability to achieve anything you want within your time frame – if you take the time to learn about who you are. Have you ever noticed just how complaining, bitter and ungrateful some of the contestants are on these shows? Time runs out for them, that’s true. It doesn’t have to be like that for you.

There are so many examples of reality tv myths. And don’t get me started on Instagram & TikTok!! They have a way of subliminally manipulating your reality – under the guise of reality. Be one step ahead. If you want to learn more about cords/soul ties, and how to free yourself from unwanted attachments, please contact me.

Letting Go

For some, Septembers are for new beginnings. It’s a new school year. For me, it’s a “bending!” (a beginning and an ending). No:1 son is off to University – new beginnings for us as a family, and an ending to how life has been over the past 18 years. And, I can’t lie, the prospect of that change is daunting. Or was, until I started to write this post about Letting Go….

Letting Go is the acceptance that nothing stays the same. The late GOAT, Muhammed Ali once said “If a man looks at the world when he is 50 the same way he looked at it when he was 20 and it hasn’t changed, then he has wasted 30 years of his life,” 

Letting Go is the acceptance that you never had the control that you thought you had in the first place. Take marriage for example. Two people make a choice to be together and a marriage licence or certificate only has as much validity as either of them choose to give it. Our children are not “ours”. We cannot keep them in or protect them forever. At some point they have to make their own life, memories and mistakes. “Children are not casual guests in our home. They have been loaned to us temporarily for the purpose of loving them and instilling a foundation of values on which their future lives will be built.” – Jams Dobson. Even the house that you live in can be taken away from you, by misfortune /malice or destroyed by an act of God.

Letting Go is learning how to put down the heavy burden of despair you are carrying about something you cannot control – and allow yourself to be empowered and energised by the things that you can.

Letting Go isn’t saying a reluctant goodbye to an old life, but lovingly stepping into a new way of being. It’s only a new chapter of the same book, where new characters are introduced, new plotlines appear and new adventures await. Or it can be, if you let it.

Coping With the Hurt of Divorce

You’ve spent years creating that happy family you dreamed about, and now it’s falling apart. It hurts so much and your friends may not understand the pain you’re going through. With divorce comes a feeling of grief, despair, and fear about your future.

Your marriage may be over, but your new life is just beginning. You can pick up the pieces, recover, and emerge stronger than ever.

These strategies can help you cope with the hurt of your divorce and claim a brighter tomorrow:  

  1. Nurture your spirit. What are your spiritual beliefs? How could those beliefs nourish you at this time in your life, when you need that nourishment the most? You always take time to eat, right? Your spiritual nourishment is as valuable as the food for your body.
  • If you take time for yourself and find ways to nurture your spirit every day, everything else will fall into place. Examine your heart in light of your spiritual beliefs. Pray for guidance. Seek like-minded people that will lift you up and encourage you along your spiritual journey. Visit your local place of worship and connect with people there.
  • Instead of dwelling on the challenges you face, pray about how you can pour your life into others. Serving others brings joy to your heart and provides a much-needed distraction from the complicated emotions of your divorce. Seek volunteer opportunities in your local community or place of worship.
  • Get moving. When faced with the heartbreak of divorce, you may be tempted to stay on the couch. Resist the temptation. Instead, get out and get moving. Pick a physical activity you enjoy and commit to a regular exercise routine. You’ll have more energy, self-confidence, and strength to overcome the challenging emotions you face.

Exercise releases happy hormones and keeps you fit, healthy, and youthful. If you have trouble deciding on an activity for your workouts, consider yoga. Yoga can be a gentle and inviting way to get moving. An important part of yoga is nurturing the connection between your body and your spirit.

  • Take a vacation. Get away from all the places that remind you of the years you spent together. Spend a few hours or days in a place of natural beauty. Allow the surroundings to take your mind off of your divorce. Think of as many things as possible to be grateful for, and relax in a place that lets you escape for a while.
  • Change your focus. What you focus on becomes your reality. You deserve to be happy, and you can decide to settle for nothing less than your best experience of life. Begin to take action today in the direction of your dreams.
  • If you’re struggling with your self-confidence, seek positive friends who can encourage you to see the best in yourself. Focus on your strengths and how you can use them to forge ahead in creating the life you want.

Be Patient With Yourself

Allow yourself some time to heal from the pain and grief of your divorce. Healing may take some time, but it will come. Take positive steps in a new direction, but give yourself permission to feel the hurt from your divorce. Over time, you’ll notice the hurt becoming less and less as you take action toward a new direction and a bright future.

Strengthen Your Relationship by Nurturing Vulnerability

Relationships thrive on trust and respect, and vulnerability is an important component. Sharing such openness with your partner can make your relationship stronger and healthier.

Try these tips to nurture a healthy vulnerability in your relationship:

  1. Acknowledge your vulnerable side. Most of us tend to ignore our vulnerability or hide it. In a relationship, you may be scared to share your weaknesses because of previous rejections.
  • People build emotional walls to hide their true feelings because of past injuries. It’s not easy to let go of these walls in a new relationship. The memories of rejection, guilt, and sadness are difficult to overcome.
  • It’s important to acknowledge your vulnerable side instead of ignoring it. In a relationship, showing your vulnerabilities can help build trust and love.
  • Recognise your partner’s vulnerable side, too.
  • Build trust in a relationship. By sharing your weaknesses, you are showing that you trust each other.
  • If you’re too scared to talk about your fears, then your relationship lacks trust. Without trust, you can’t build a strong foundation. Fear prevents you from sharing details and making decisions together. It can isolate you and make you feel lonely.
  • By talking about your vulnerabilities, you can encourage your partner to share their thoughts and reveal weaknesses.
  • Understand the difference between vulnerable and needy. Being vulnerable and being needy are not the same, so it’s crucial to note the distinction. You can show your vulnerable side and nurture it without becoming needy.
  • The goal of sharing your vulnerabilities in a relationship is to grow as a couple.
  • Work on overcoming your fears. You can work on your fears together, so they don’t block your ability to build a strong relationship. The fear of betrayal and rejection is common, so you can begin by addressing those fears.
  • Avoid feeling shame. Feelings of shame can accompany a conversation that reveals vulnerabilities. Shame and vulnerability are tied together because people are afraid to show their true selves. You might feel a sense of failure when you point out your weaknesses.
  • Did you grow up with the belief that sharing your feelings was wrong? Or that showing your weaknesses was something to be ashamed about? If your past included these ideas, then it’s important to address these feelings.
  • Use visualization. You can use visualization to work on sharing your vulnerabilities. Visualize that you have a stronger, more trusting relationship.  
  • Nurture your relationship on a regular basis. Do you have daily or weekly conversations with your partner? This is a good opportunity to discuss your vulnerabilities and work on making your relationship stronger.
  • By having regular conversations, you’ll avoid the risk of isolating each other or forgetting about each other.
  • For maximum impact, avoid interruptions during these important conversations. Turn off your phones, put away your tablets, and focus your attention on your partner.
  • It’s important to truly listen to your partner and understand the vulnerabilities they share. You can acknowledge your partner’s efforts by sharing your own weaknesses. You can discuss your relationship and how to make it stronger over time.

Vulnerability can be a healthy part of a strong relationship. It’s important to nurture vulnerability, so you grow together and strengthen your bond as you build your trust in each other.