Owning up doesn’t mean making someone else accountable for your actions. You, alone, are Captain on your own ship – the actions you take determine your destination.
Own up to your mistakes
Improving Your Relationships Through Emotional Validation
By providing genuine emotional validation. you not only improve your
relationship, but you’ll also learn how to manage your emotions better.
Learn the basics and benefits of emotional validation.
Day 5: Affirm Others
Last day of this quick, easy and light self esteem challenge. Today we’re going to be talking about the surprising power of affirming others.
Few people realise this, but affirming others is a powerful way to boost your own self-esteem. It forces you to think through the things you appreciate about others, which in turn makes you more attentive to your own strengths.
Affirming others also strengthens your positive relationships, so you can continue to be surrounded by positive people.
Finally, affirming others often leads to others affirming you, which creates a circle of positive energy. You don’t want to affirm others to get compliments yourself, but it is one hugely valuable side effect.
“No matter how sure you are of someone’s love, it’s always nice to hear it.”
By taking the time to affirm others, you build both their self-esteem and yours. It’s a total win-win.
Write down the three people who surround you with the most positive energy. Now, under each person, write down THREE things that you really appreciate about them. This can be anything, from their sense of humour to their work ethic to their love for nature. It doesn’t need to be anything profound, just meaningful. After you’ve written down three items for each person, contact them via phone, email, or text and tell them how much you appreciate them. Affirm their strengths and make no comments about their weaknesses.
Your goal is simply to affirm them and make them feel good about themselves.
What you’ll discover as you do this is that it creates a true cycle of affirmation, with you affirming others and others affirming you. As this happens, you’ll see your self-esteem leap skyward.
Remember to affirm 3 people today. After you affirm them, come back and share in the comments how they responded.
Make lemonade
In order to wake up, we need a wake up call. And, my friends, COVID-19 is it.
A “new normal” will emerge from this. When this is behind us, we’re going to see changes, in the way we interact with each other, in the way we manage our relationships (financial insecurity is a major threat right now), and even in the way we date.
We cannot afford another situation like this to occur and we have the time now, in the midst of all the chaos, to create our own ‘new normal’. How do you want to live, going forward? The choices we make right now will determine what comes next and we can either embrace this time we have to learn a new way of being, or not.
If we have to stay inside, why not learn how to ‘go inside’? Meditation may seem woo woo to some, but not as woo woo as spending the time in fear! Online exercise classes that you can do with the kids will work off some of that pasta and tinned food. And when you can, enjoy the onset of spring by going for a walk. Catch up on your reading, declutter your home, your emails, your mind. Do an online course that you can implement in your future. Lifestyle changes will be necessary, so make them work for you.
You can’t control what’s happening in the world but you can control how you respond to it. Limit your exposure to the things that fill you with fear. Watch/listen to things that make you feel good, not drain you.
Make lemonade 🤗
9 Signs That You’ve Found Your Purpose
Do you know your purpose? Most people don’t, and a few think they do, but are incorrect. However, there are several signs that you have probably found your purpose. It might be something that’s right under your nose that you’ve never considered.
Once you’ve determined the purpose for your life and begin living it, it feels like everything falls into place.
Have you found your purpose? These signs may enlighten you:
- The time flies by. When you’re spending time pursuing your purpose, it’s hard to figure out where the time went. There are only a few activities that allow you to seemingly escape the passage of time. It’s an amazing feeling to find something that’s so easy to work on when other things can be so painful.
- You feel calm. There’s a sense of relaxation and focus when you’re living your purpose. You can just feel that you’re doing the right thing and living your life the way it is meant to be lived. There’s a peace that comes from living your purpose that’s hard to describe until you experience it for yourself. How do you feel when you wake up in the morning and know you have to face another day at work? Do you feel good about it? Or do you feel annoyed and stressed?
- Money isn’t the driving force. You’re not drawn to your purpose by the financial rewards. However, there are often great financial rewards for living your purpose. You’re interested, motivated and enjoy that subject. That’s a great recipe for providing a lot of value.
- It feels natural. Living your purpose feels right. It’s a similar thing to finding your perfect partner. It’s a very comfortable feeling.
- You gain energy by doing that thing. Your purpose creates energy within you. It doesn’t drain you. When you spend your day doing something you don’t like, you feel exhausted by the end of the day.
- You’re more willing to take risks that usual. When you feel less stress in your life, you’re willing to take on more risk. When you’re doing something that’s important to you, you’re willing to be braver.
- Luck is on your side. There’s no scientific explanation for it, but you seem to be a lot luckier when you’re living your purpose. When you spend your time doing things you don’t like to do,your luck seems to go down the pan. Think about your life and you’ll find this to be true.
- You spend less money. There are just a couple of reasons to spend money :-
You can purchase something you need, like food or water;
You can purchase something you want, like a TV;
You can purchase things to make yourself feel better. The more miserable you are, the more likely you are to overspend as a way of boosting your mood and self-esteem. When you’ve found your purpose, you’ll find that you spend a lot less because you are more content.
9. You care less about what others think. We are all sensitive to varying degrees about the opinions of others. But when you’re engaged in your purpose, you are free of this concern. What you’re doing feels so right that you’re not interested in what others think about what you’re doing. You feel free.
You feel lost and discontent when you’re not living your purpose. It’s hard to describe, but something just feels off. Finding your purpose and building your life around it is the most satisfying and enjoyable way to live.
If you haven’t found your purpose yet, don’t give up. There’s still time to discover it and live the life you were meant to live!
Make communication a relationship priority
In a relationship, when communication starts to fade, everything else follows. Some people enter relationships under the illusion that everything will somehow turn out magically, without the need to communicate thoughts, feelings and needs. But that is the quickest way to start derailing your relationship. When you and your partner communicate well together, however, it strengthens your bonds of friendship and deepens your relationship. You connect on a deeper level and care about each other’s thoughts, feelings, dreams, and goals.
Try these strategies to communicate better with your partner:
- Be honest. Honesty is always the best policy. This is because your relationship is built on trust. If you violate that trust, it’ll damage the communication between the two of you. It’s more difficult to express yourself when you feel like there isn’t that basis of trust.
- Listen well. Communication is a two way street and listening is half the equation. When you’re good at listening, you become good at interpreting and understanding your partner’s underlying feelings. When you understand your partner, you’re less likely to get into petty arguments because you’ll know where they’re coming from in the first place.
- Let your partner finish what they’re saying. Whether you’re in the middle of an argument, or your partner’s just telling a story, be sure to hear them out. Listen to everything they have to say before you try to get some words in too.
- This will tell your partner that they’re important and what they have to say is worth listening to. If you jump in and interrupt, you’ll send the opposite message.
- Share your feelings. Learn how to express your feelings with regularity. If it helps, schedule some time every week to check in with each other emotionally. It keeps you connected to your partner and you’ll both always know the status of the other person.
- Make time for each other. It’s also important for your communications to share special time together. Perhaps you have similar interests and can bond over certain activities. Maybe you can schedule a date night where you can grab dinner together on a regular basis.
- Especially if your partner is going through a tough time, it’s important to clear out space in your schedule to support them and reinforce how much they mean to you.
- Avoid reacting in anger. When you disagree, as all couples do from time to time, learn how to express your opinions in a healthy way. Avoid name-calling and take time to cool down if you have to. This is especially important if you tend to say things you don’t mean in the heat of an argument.
Even though it may take some work to bring about this deeper communication, the benefits are well worth it. Give these strategies a try, incorporate them into your daily life, and enjoy a new closeness as you take on the world together!
Contact me for further tips and strategies on improving your relationship communication.
Before You Take Revenge, Read This
Revenge is a common theme in our lives nowadays. It’s a common theme in movies, in soaps, in music and on our streets. It’s portrayed as something satisfying – even noble, the wronged hero punishes the wrongdoers and ends up vindicated and validated. The ugly truth is, Revenge is not an intelligent solution. It solves nothing and creates additional challenges.
There are several disadvantages to revenge:
- Revenge extends the conflict. Obviously, if you’re considering revenge, there’s an issue of some sort. Revenge doesn’t put the issue to rest. It causes the issue to continue. Imagine if the other person then seeks his own retribution. Where does it end? Someone has to be willing to let it go.
- Revenge won’t make you feel better in the long run. Revenge is satisfying for a few minutes, but nothing has really changed. Whatever was done to upset you still exists. You can’t go back in time and alter the course of your history. Revenge accomplishes nothing in the long-term.
- Revenge isn’t free. There is always a cost and it’s not without consequences. The subsequent actions of the other person may cost you. You can lose sleep, your self-respect, your freedom or even your life if you take things too far. Your peace of mind is also at risk.
- Revenge prolongs the pain. Time can heal all wounds, but only if you don’t reopen them. Allow your wounds to heal by moving on. Giving the situation too much attention only makes you more miserable and prolongs your misery.
Revenge isn’t a good solution to any challenge or hurt. There are wiser and more effective ways to handle your anger and pain.
What to do instead of getting revenge:
- Forgive and let it go. This is easier said than done for most of us. But what other option do you really have? Unless the possibility of ruining your own life is a better and easier option. The only way to stop feeling bad about the situation is to let it go. You don’t have to forget. After all, it would be a shame if you didn’t learn anything from your negative experience.
- It may not seem fair or right to let the other person off the hook, but forgiveness is for your own benefit. Not theirs. And you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with this person in your head, do you? Revenge certainly won’t take the event away.
- Learn from the situation. Did you do something foolish? Were you too trusting? Was it an issue specific to the other person? How can you avoid the same outcome in the future? Do you need to exclude the other person or a group of people from your life? Were you too naïve or too trusting to make a smart decision? Determine the cause and then consider a reasonable method of prevention. Take advantage of a negative situation by learning from it. You’ll be a stronger and more capable person for it
- Meditate or pray. Meditation and prayer can put your head back in the right place. You’ll feel more calm, relaxed, and centred. Clear your mind and get to a place of rational thought. You can’t be upset unless you allow yourself to be.
- Do something that you enjoy. Remind yourself that good things are all around you. Spend an evening with a good friend or with family, read a book, or travel and explore. What activities do you enjoy the most?
- It doesn’t make sense to spend any more time on the negative issue than absolutely necessary.
Revenge has been a common theme in history and is actually a natural human reaction. However, revenge seems like a better idea than it really is. Revenge hurts you more than it does the other person. Leave revenge for the movies. Forgive those that have wronged you and enjoy your life.
THE BEST REVENGE IS MASSIVE SUCCESS – Frank Sinatra
To your success!!
Choose your partner wisely
Running InterFEARance
Are you running a desperation script?
Some people have a relationship desperation script, for some it’s a lack of confidence desperation script. Years ago mine was a money one. I threw money away in the hope of making money. It didn’t work, and why? A desperation script is the negative side of who you really are and because of that it keeps you stuck. When you’re feeling that panic about a situation, chances are your desperation script will send you to a solution that worsens the situation- not make it better.
Ever hooked up with someone unsuitable whilst feeling unattractive, not confident, unloved?
Ever made a serious of “rash” buys/investments/loans because you were in a money bind?
Ever said/did some stupid hurtful things because you were feeling hurt?
The list is endless. When we are feeling emotionally depleted and scared, we let our desperation script run wild and all we end up with is more fear, more desperation more despair.
There’s a great little tool to help combat anxiety where you interrupt your anxiety with gratitude. When you feel the waves of anxiety, turn your focus to all the things you can be grateful for in the moment – however small. It requires practice and patience, but change is a process, not an event, right? That’s what I tell my clients.
So pattern interrupt your desperation script, or, as I like to call it, Run InterFEARance. Ask it what it really wants to help you achieve right now. And if the course of action will seriously help you achieve it? Don’t be afraid to ask the question because you will receive the right answer.
Oh, and listen for the voice. Who does your desperation script sound like?
#runinterFEARance
Valentine’s Day in Lockdown….
Valentine’s Day is going to be a very different affair for many couples this year. We’re still in lockdown, relationships have become strained as a result of working from home/furlough/home-schooling responsibilities and on top of all of that, there seems to be no end in sight.
It may be easier to just say “sod-it!”, but now is as good a time as any to self-reflect on your relationship. Are there things you could do differently to enhance your relationship?
Below are 7 questions for you to ponder before you choose not to buy that Valentine’s Card…..
1. How can I strengthen my effective listening skills and devote my full attention to my partner when he/she is talking to me?
2. Do I make it a point to be open and honest with my partner?
3. Do we share our hopes and dreams together? What is our action plan of how we’re going to make them happen? How can we work toward these dreams together? Many couples overlook the importance of this.
4. When we disagree, how do we handle our differing opinions? How can we turn our disagreements into loving communication?
5. Do I sweat the small stuff? How can I develop more patience and understanding towards my partner?
6. How do I communicate my love to my spouse? Do I show my love numerous times each day? What else can I do to show my love and fulfil my partner’s needs and desires?
7. Do we laugh together about something every day? What can I do o bring more humour and fun into our life?
Within this small 7 item list, there may be things you can commit to straight away that will have a more lasting and positive effect on your relationship than a Valentine’s Card.
Saying Goodbye
A friend of mine – a very close friend – passed suddenly on New Year’s Eve. And I can’t get my head around it. It wasn’t a COVID related death. It’s funny (well, actually it’s not), how we have to now explain the passing of a loved one in terms of a COVID or non-COVID death. It’s almost the first thing people ask.
Anyway, here I am, going through the process of grieving again. It never fails to amaze me how differently the pain hits you each time. To a certain extent, I buy into the concept of stages of grief, I don’t necessarily believe they come in that order. And just because you accept what has happened, doesn’t necessarily mean you have healed.
If anyone is out there going through grief, I’d like to reassure you that it does get easier. Also there is no rule book on how to grieve. Grief is a heavy emotion, and it’s important that it doesn’t weigh you down completely. So each day, make a pact with yourself to do whatever you’re comfortable doing – but you have to do something productive too. We have to add some balance. Remember to love yourself as well. Be kind to yourself and be gentle with your thoughts, words and actions.
Finally, remember to talk through your feelings. If you have someone who is there for you, talk to them. If you want to, you can journal your feelings – express them, don’t keep them in.
I miss Sandra. She was a beautiful and troubled soul. She was one of a kind. And my world is so quiet without her annoying the heck out of me at times. I am so thankful to have known her – through the fun times we had at school, and even the darker times later on in life. There is nothing I can change now, so I will honour what I have – the memories, the shared experiences and the love.
Unplug Yourself
I’ve taken up walking. 6.30am every morning, my friend and I go for a walk. Nothing unusual about that but if you know me, you know that walking has never been my thing. If I could drive upstairs to my bedroom, I would!!!
I know the health benefits of walking, of being outside, getting fresh air. My bestie has been doing her daily walks for a while – she’s an inspiration, clocking up 10k steps every day. And she looks fantastic. For me, it’s a chore. However, I recently had to walk – (mother of a new driver syndrome – don’t @me!) and I found it rather refreshing. So now it’s my daily routine.
And you know what I’ve discovered? During those moments when we’re walking, the phone, social media, Facebook, emails don’t matter. It’s just me and my friend, out in nature, affirming and setting our intentions. We practice gratitude, say our mantras, clear the stagnant stuff and just walk. We walked in the rain earlier this week and neither of us mentioned the rain until we were about a minute away from home.
And people? People are so much nicer in the morning. The “Good Mornings” and “Hellos” we get in the morning are so heart-warming. It remind me of being a kid, growing up in the late 60’s/70’s, at the bus-stop wit my mum. People used to talk for no reason. There’d be whole conversations about the weather, the price of bread, the ribbon in my hair.
We are so conditioned to be “on call” and scared to be “unplugged”. And yet, the latter is one of the most soul balancing things you can do.
Whilst this year has been challenging, I am thankful for all the lessons I’ve learned, This walking thing – I didn’t even do it during the lockdown and if you’d asked me a year ago if I’d get up to go walking at 6.30, the answer would have contained a few expletives. But now….
Don’t Ignore the Warning Signs of Losing Yourself in a Relationship
Have you ever lost yourself in a relationship to the point that loved ones had difficulty recognising you? It can happen.
Losing yourself because of your close relationship with someone is dangerous and unhealthy. Pay attention to these warning signs before you’ve gone too far for your loved one:
1. You’re unhappy but scared to say it. One sign of an unhealthy relationship is that you’re unhappy but too afraid to mention it to your partner. Being unhappy during a relationship is common, and it often occurs after an argument or other major event. However, if the unhappiness lasts for weeks or months, it’s a warning sign. You need to be able to talk about your feelings freely, so not being able to share them shows that you’re losing yourself.
The fix is to calmly and kindly address the unhappiness with your partner.
Avoid blaming them or using guilt. Instead, focus on how you want to
improve the relationship and how you can move forward.
2. You give in to all of their demands. From changing your work schedule to
please them to never cooking your favourite foods because they don’t agree with them, it’s easy to fall into the trap of always meeting their demands. However, this is a big warning sign that you’re losing yourself.
Compromise is a normal part of a healthy relationship, but it has limits.
If your identity and other things that make you unique are disappearing in
the relationship, then it’s no longer healthy. If you’re always giving in, it may be a way to cope with the partner and keep the peace. Unfortunately, this means that your own dreams and wishes get left behind. You may start to lose everything that makes you special because you don’t want to upset the other person or make them angry.
3. You indulge in distractions. Watching television or checking social media can be a fun distraction. A small amount of these things is fine, but living in a distracted world is unhealthy. Do you indulge in distractions to avoid thinking about your relationship? Distractions can range from watching too many shows to reading tabloid magazines. They vary from person to person, but you can recognise them in your own life. Many distractions are used to avoid thinking or dealing with difficult situations.
4. Your own goals and dreams are gone. Do you look at your current life and feel like you’ve lost all of your passion or dreams? Each person has specific goals, dreams, and passions that make them unique. It’s your greater vision that inspires you to get up and move forward. However, if you’ve lost yourself in a relationship, your dreams and goals can disappear. You may be pushing your own dreams down to lift up your partner. You may also feel that there isn’t room in the relationship for your dreams or goals. However, your dreams can’t take a backseat forever. The reasons for ignoring your wants and goals may include fear of upsetting the other person. You may also want to get their approval, so you may be afraid to share things that they may not like or agree with completely.
Heed these warning signs that you’re losing yourself in a relationship. If you feel like your own identity is getting lost for the sake of your partner, try to work out some new ways to communicate with each other. If you’re struggling, couple’s counselling may provide a solution.
Is it time to put you first?
Your personal wellbeing is one of your top priorities. If someone threatens your peace and happiness by being mentally abusive or by constantly being negative towards you, you have the strength to walk away.
You owe it to yourself to ensure that the relationship you’re in is healthy. You deserve to be treated well and you also deserve to be adored by your significant other. This is how relationships should be!
When you are feeling down, your significant other should be able comfort you and endeavour to make you smile. If you are hurt, you should feel able to be comforted by your your partner. When you need to talk, you want a partner who is willing to listen to understand. And you want to be in a relationship where you are able to reciprocate all of that, because those actions point towards a healthy relationship that is built upon love, trust, and friendship. Without those three vital components, a relationship is lost and loveless.
You have the strength to walk away from any relationship that makes you feel uneasy. Though you may feel love for the person, it is draining to be in love with someone who treats you like a lesser partner. You may be in love with their company, but not their harmful actions.
Is it time to put you first? Maybe your journey starts now.
Choices
We make conscious choices when we make contact with others. We choose those from which we wish to learn, those we want as friends, Even those we wish to spend the rest of our lives with.
But we need to respect and honour ALL the people we interact with, not just those in our inner circle. Because, whether we like it or not, everyone we meet is our teacher. Whether we love them or loathe them, they’re here to teach us how to grow, spiritually, mentally and emotionally, for own own highest good.
And if you’re not growing spiritually, emotionally and mentally, if you’re feeling stuck, angry, stressed all the time, are you making the right choices for your life? In disconnecting from others, have you been gradually disconnecting from yourself? Let me know what you think?
#TwoThings
Two things :
No: 1: Challenge yourself daily. Nothing new ever grows in a comfort zone.
No: 2: Your soul hears al the things you say to yourself and about yourself. Even if they’re not said aloud. Be kind to yourself. #bekindtoyourself #challengeyourself #leaveyourcomfortzone
#Friday’s Question
If your actions were to boomerang back to you instantly, would you still act the same?
Keep trying
You can’t save everyone. And you can’t force people to understand a message they’re not in the headspace to understand. People come to their own understanding in their own time.
However, always keep trying. Today might just be the day the message lands.
