Day 5: Affirm Others

Last day of this quick, easy and light self esteem challenge.  Today we’re going to be talking about the surprising power of affirming others.

Few people realise this, but affirming others is a powerful way to boost your own self-esteem.  It forces you to think through the things you appreciate about others, which in turn makes you more attentive to your own strengths.

Affirming others also strengthens your positive relationships, so you can continue to be surrounded by positive people.

Finally, affirming others often leads to others affirming you, which creates a circle of positive energy. You don’t want to affirm others to get compliments yourself, but it is one hugely valuable side effect.

 “No matter how sure you are of someone’s love, it’s always nice to hear it.”

By taking the time to affirm others, you build both their self-esteem and yours. It’s a total win-win.

Write down the three people who surround you with the most positive energy.  Now, under each person, write down THREE things that you really appreciate about them. This can be anything, from their sense of humour to their work ethic to their love for nature. It doesn’t need to be anything profound, just meaningful.   After you’ve written down three items for each person, contact them via phone, email, or text and tell them how much you appreciate them. Affirm their strengths and make no comments about their weaknesses.

Your goal is simply to affirm them and make them feel good about themselves.

What you’ll discover as you do this is that it creates a true cycle of affirmation, with you affirming others and others affirming you.  As this happens, you’ll see your self-esteem leap skyward.

Remember to affirm 3 people today. After you affirm them, come back and share in the comments how they responded.

 

Make lemonade

In order to wake up, we need a wake up call.  And, my friends, COVID-19 is it.

A “new normal” will emerge from this.  When this is behind us, we’re going to see changes, in the way we interact with each other, in the way we manage our relationships (financial insecurity is a major threat right now), and even in the way we date.

We cannot afford another situation like this to occur and we have the time now, in the midst of all the chaos, to create our own ‘new normal’.  How do you want to live, going forward?  The choices we make right now will determine what comes next and we can either embrace this time we have to learn a new way of being, or not. 

If we have to stay inside, why not learn how to ‘go inside’?  Meditation may seem woo woo to some, but not as woo woo as spending the time in fear!  Online exercise classes that you can do with the kids will work off some of that pasta and tinned food.  And when you can, enjoy the onset of spring by going for a walk. Catch up on your reading, declutter your home, your emails, your mind.  Do an online course that you can implement in your future.  Lifestyle changes will be necessary, so make them work for you.

You can’t control what’s happening in the world but you can control how you respond to it.  Limit your exposure to the things that fill you with fear.  Watch/listen to things that make you feel good, not drain you.

Make lemonade 🤗

Photo by Lukas

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9 Signs That You’ve Found Your Purpose

Do you know your purpose? Most people don’t, and a few think they do, but are incorrect. However, there are several signs that you have probably found your purpose. It might be something that’s right under your nose that you’ve never considered.

Once you’ve determined the purpose for your life and begin living it, it feels like everything falls into place.

Have you found your purpose? These signs may enlighten you:

1. The time flies by.  When you’re spending time pursuing your purpose, it’s hard to figure out where the time went.  There are only a few activities that allow you to seemingly escape the passage of time.  It’s an amazing feeling to find something that’s so easy to work on when other things can be so painful.
2. You feel calm.  There’s a sense of relaxation and focus when you’re living your purpose.  You can just feel that you’re doing the right thing and living your life the way it is meant to be lived.  There’s a peace that comes from living your purpose that’s hard to describe until you experience it for yourself.  How do you feel when you wake up in the morning and know you have to face another day at work?  Do you feel good about it?  Or do you feel annoyed and stressed?
3. Money isn’t the driving force.  You’re not drawn to your purpose by the financial rewards.  However, there are often great financial rewards for living your purpose.  You’re interested, motivated and enjoy that subject.  That’s a great recipe for providing a lot of value.
4. It feels natural.  Living your purpose feels right.  It’s a similar thing to finding your perfect partner.  It’s a very comfortable feeling.
5. You gain energy by doing that thing.  Your purpose creates energy within you.  It doesn’t drain you.  When you spend your day doing something you don’t like, you feel exhausted by the end of the day.
6. You’re more willing to take risks that usual.  When you feel less stress in your life, you’re willing to take on more risk.  When you’re doing something that’s important to you, you’re willing to be braver.
7. Luck is on your side. There’s no scientific explanation for it, but you seem to be a lot luckier when you’re living your purpose.  When you spend your time doing things you don’t like to do,your luck seems to go down the pan.  Think about your life and you’ll find this to be true.
8. You spend less money.  There are just a couple of  reasons to spend money :-

You can purchase something you need, like food or water;

You can purchase something you want, like a TV;

You can purchase things to make yourself feel better.  The more miserable you are, the more likely you are to overspend as a way of boosting your mood and self-esteem.  When you’ve found your purpose, you’ll find that you spend a lot less because you are more content.

9. You care less about what others think.  We are all sensitive to varying degrees about the opinions of others.  But when you’re engaged in your purpose, you are free of this concern.  What you’re doing feels so right that you’re not interested in what others think about what you’re doing.  You feel free.

You feel lost and discontent when you’re not living your purpose. It’s hard to describe, but something just feels off. Finding your purpose and building your life around it is the most satisfying and enjoyable way to live.

If you haven’t found your purpose yet, don’t give up. There’s still time to discover it and live the life you were meant to live!

Make communication a relationship priority

In a relationship, when communication starts to fade, everything else follows.   Some people enter relationships under the illusion that everything will somehow turn out magically, without the need to communicate thoughts, feelings and needs.  But that is the quickest way to start derailing your relationship.  When you and your partner communicate well together, however, it strengthens your bonds of friendship and deepens your relationship. You connect on a deeper level and care about each other’s thoughts, feelings, dreams, and goals.

Try these strategies to communicate better with your partner:

1. Be honest. Honesty is always the best policy. This is because your relationship is built on trust. If you violate that trust, it’ll damage the communication between the two of you. It’s more difficult to express yourself when you feel like there isn’t that basis of trust.

2. Listen well. Communication is a two way street and listening is half the equation. When you’re good at listening, you become good at interpreting and understanding your partner’s underlying feelings. When you understand your partner, you’re less likely to get into petty arguments because you’ll know where they’re coming from in the first place.

3. Let your partner finish what they’re saying. Whether you’re in the middle of an argument, or your partner’s just telling a story, be sure to hear them out. Listen to everything they have to say before you try to get some words in too.

• This will tell your partner that they’re important and what they have to say is worth listening to. If you jump in and interrupt, you’ll send the opposite message.

4. Share your feelings. Learn how to express your feelings with regularity. If it helps, schedule some time every week to check in with each other emotionally. It keeps you connected to your partner and you’ll both always know the status of the other person.

5. Make time for each other. It’s also important for your communications to share special time together. Perhaps you have similar interests and can bond over certain activities. Maybe you can schedule a date night where you can grab dinner together on a regular basis.

• Especially if your partner is going through a tough time, it’s important to clear out space in your schedule to support them and reinforce how much they mean to you.

6. Avoid reacting in anger. When you disagree, as all couples do from time to time, learn how to express your opinions in a healthy way. Avoid name-calling and take time to cool down if you have to. This is especially important if you tend to say things you don’t mean in the heat of an argument.

Even though it may take some work to bring about this deeper communication, the benefits are well worth it. Give these strategies a try, incorporate them into your daily life, and enjoy a new closeness as you take on the world together!

Contact me for further tips and strategies on improving your relationship communication.

Before You Take Revenge, Read This

Revenge is a common theme in our lives nowadays.  It’s a common theme in movies, in soaps, in music and on our streets.  It’s portrayed as something satisfying – even noble, the wronged hero punishes the wrongdoers and ends up vindicated and validated.   The ugly truth is, Revenge is not an intelligent solution. It solves nothing and creates additional challenges.

There are several disadvantages to revenge:

1. Revenge extends the conflict. Obviously, if you’re considering revenge, there’s an issue of some sort. Revenge doesn’t put the issue to rest. It causes the issue to continue. Imagine if the other person then seeks his own retribution. Where does it end? Someone has to be willing to let it go.
2. Revenge won’t make you feel better in the long run. Revenge is satisfying for a few minutes, but nothing has really changed. Whatever was done to upset you still exists. You can’t go back in time and alter the course of your history. Revenge accomplishes nothing in the long-term.

3. Revenge isn’t free. There is always a cost and it’s not without consequences. The subsequent actions of the other person may cost you. You can lose sleep, your self-respect, your freedom or even your life if you take things too far. Your peace of mind is also at risk.
4. Revenge prolongs the pain. Time can heal all wounds, but only if you don’t reopen them. Allow your wounds to heal by moving on. Giving the situation too much attention only makes you more miserable and prolongs your misery.

Revenge isn’t a good solution to any challenge or hurt. There are wiser and more effective ways to handle your anger and pain.

What to do instead of getting revenge:

1. Forgive and let it go.  This is easier said than done for most of us. But what other option do you really have?  Unless the possibility of ruining your own life is a better and easier option.  The only way to stop feeling bad about the situation is to let it go. You don’t have to forget. After all, it would be a shame if you didn’t learn anything from your negative experience.
2. It may not seem fair or right to let the other person off the hook, but forgiveness is for your own benefit.  Not theirs.  And you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with this person in your head, do you?  Revenge certainly won’t take the event away.
3. Learn from the situation. Did you do something foolish? Were you too trusting? Was it an issue specific to the other person? How can you avoid the same outcome in the future? Do you need to exclude the other person or a group of people from your life?  Were you too naïve or too trusting to make a smart decision? Determine the cause and then consider a reasonable method of prevention. Take advantage of a negative situation by learning from it. You’ll be a stronger and more capable person for it
4. Meditate or pray. Meditation and prayer can put your head back in the right place. You’ll feel more calm, relaxed, and centred. Clear your mind and get to a place of rational thought. You can’t be upset unless you allow yourself to be.
5. Do something that you enjoy. Remind yourself that good things are all around you. Spend an evening with a good friend or with family, read a book, or travel and explore. What activities do you enjoy the most?
6. It doesn’t make sense to spend any more time on the negative issue than absolutely necessary.

Revenge has been  a common theme in history and is actually a natural human reaction. However, revenge seems like a better idea than it really is. Revenge hurts you more than it does the other person. Leave revenge for the movies. Forgive those that have wronged you and enjoy your life.

THE BEST REVENGE IS MASSIVE SUCCESS – Frank Sinatra

To your success!!

Choose your partner wisely

They represent you.

http://www.theresa-empoweryou.co.uk

 

 

 

Running InterFEARance

Are you running a desperation script?

Some people have a relationship desperation script, for some it’s a lack of confidence desperation script. Years ago mine was a money one.   I threw money away in the hope of making money.  It didn’t work, and why? A desperation script is the negative side of who you really are and because of that it  keeps you stuck.   When you’re feeling that panic about a situation, chances are your desperation script will send you to a solution that worsens the situation- not make it better.

Ever hooked up with someone unsuitable whilst feeling unattractive, not confident, unloved?

Ever made a serious of “rash” buys/investments/loans because you were in a money bind?

Ever said/did some stupid hurtful things because you were feeling hurt?

The list is endless.  When we are feeling emotionally depleted and scared, we let our desperation script run wild and all we end up with is more fear, more desperation more despair.

There’s a great little tool to help combat anxiety where you interrupt your anxiety with gratitude.  When you feel the waves of anxiety, turn your focus to all the things you can be grateful for in the moment – however small.   It requires practice and patience, but change is a process, not an event, right?  That’s what I tell my clients.

So pattern interrupt your desperation script, or, as I like to call it, Run InterFEARance. Ask it what it really wants to help you achieve right now.   And if the course of action will seriously help you achieve it?  Don’t be afraid to ask the question because you will receive the right answer.

Oh, and listen for the voice.  Who does your desperation script sound like?

#runinterFEARance

 

Opening your heart to beauty opens your heart to love

It occurred to me, as I listened to the soothing tinkle of the wind chimes, that many people do not open to beauty nor create beauty around them.

In working with some of my clients struggling to keep their heart open, I’ve mentioned focusing on an object of beauty, and have been surprised to find that many of them have no beauty around them – no plants, flowers, works of art or objects of nature. When they look around they see walls, appliances, computers and other buildings. Their left brain functions just fine in this environment, but what about the right – the creative, intuitive, spiritually-connected aspect?

I want to encourage everyone who reads this to consider feeding your soul with beauty. There is nothing like awe and gratitude for something beautiful to open the heart to gratitude in general. If you can love the intricate design in the bark of a tree, or the vibrancy of a flower, or the balance of a beautifully thrown piece of pottery – that might lead you into loving and appreciating the beauty of you and your own soul. It might open you to feeling gratitude for your life and the sacred privilege of experiencing your journey on this planet.

How much of your thinking time is spent being upset or unhappy about something? What if all that time was spent in gratitude for what you have and for the beauty around you? What if you were present enough in this moment to revel in the fact that you can turn on a tap and have hot water come out? That you have food to eat and a bed to sleep on? If you are reading this, it is likely that you have a computer, which means you have more than some, if not most of the people on this planet.

Try this little experiment: find something of beauty – it can be as simple as a leaf, a flower, a photograph, a small work of art or the top of a tree out your window. Now let yourself completely open to the thing of beauty. Let yourself feel the beauty in your body – in your heart, your solar plexus, in your stomach, arms and legs, in your forehead. Let the beauty enliven your body and fill it with vitality. Breathe in the beauty and feel your body’s reaction to it. Open to gratitude, thanking God for this experience of beauty.

Notice the peace and joy it gives you to be in this moment with this simple object of beauty. What would life be like if you spent more moments like this, in the present with beauty and with all you have?

Beauty and gratitude are soul foods.  When you open to them, you raise your vibration which not only attracts more positive experiences and manifestations in your life, it also raises you above the low vibrational energy of the things that pull you down.

Who’s the boss? Taking control of your stress levels

10 ways to start taking control of your stress levels.

The following tips provide practical suggestions that you can use to help you shift into more positive thinking patterns, and start taking control of your life.

1. Take Good Care of Yourself
It’s much easier to be positive when you are eating well, exercising, and getting enough rest.

2. Remind Yourself of the Things You Are Grateful For
Stresses and challenges don’t seem quite as bad when you are constantly reminding yourself of the things that are right in life. Taking just 60 seconds a day to stop and appreciate the good things will make a huge difference.

3. Look for the Proof Instead of Making Assumptions
A fear of not being liked or accepted sometimes leads us to assume that we know what others are thinking, but our fears are usually not reality. If you have a fear that a friend or family member’s bad mood is due to something you did, or that your co-workers are secretly gossiping about you when you turn your back, speak up and ask them. Don’t waste time worrying that you did something wrong unless you have proof that there is something to worry about.

4. Refrain from Using Absolutes
Have you ever told a partner “You’re ALWAYS late!” or complained to a friend “You NEVER call me!”? Thinking and speaking in absolutes like ‘always’ and ‘never’ makes the situation seem worse than it is, and programmes your brain into believing that certain people are incapable of delivering.

5. Detach From Negative Thoughts
Your thoughts can’t hold any power over you if you don’t judge them. If you notice yourself having a negative thought, detach from it, witness it, and don’t follow it.

6. Squash the “ANTs”
In his book “Change Your Brain, Change Your Life,” Dr. Daniel Amen talks about “ANTs” – Automatic Negative Thoughts. These are the bad thoughts that are usually reactionary, like “Those people are laughing, they must be talking about me,” or “The boss wants to see me? It must be bad!” When you notice these thoughts, realise that they are nothing more than ANTs and squash them!

7. Practice Lovin’, Touchin’ & Squeezin’ (Your Friends and Family)
You don’t have to be an expert to know the benefits of a good hug. Positive physical contact with friends, loved ones, and even pets, is an instant pick-me-up.

8. Volunteer for an Organisation, or Help another Person
Everyone feels good after helping. You can volunteer your time, your money, or your resources. The more positive energy you put out into the world, the more you will receive in return.

9. Use Pattern Interrupts to Combat Rumination
If you find yourself ruminating, a great way to stop it is to interrupt the pattern and force yourself to do something completely different. Rumination is like hyper-focus on something negative. It’s never productive, because it’s not rational or solution-oriented, it’s just excessive worry. Try changing your physical environment – go for a walk or sit outside. You could also call a friend, pick up a book, or turn on some music.

10. Connect
Make time to connect spiritually.  Even if you don’t believe in a Higher Realm, or God, connect to nature.  Marvel at the beauty of the trees, plants, sky, sun, moon.  Spend time in the fresh air when you can.

Choose peace over arguments every time.

 

1 July 2020

One thing I know about life is….

It goes on.

You can choose to let life flow or get stuck and just keep spinning your wheels.  Each day offers a chance to look at the brighter side of life and enjoy it.  Each day is a chance to be connected with your divinity.  Each day heralds a new beginning.

You have to be part of it.

The world never stands still.  A time will come when battles that were once critical no longer top the list of your priorities. (that is, if you learn to reconcile yourself with the past, sort out the precious lessons and move on).  A time will come when you will can really appreciate the feeling of  home being a person, not a place.

Choose peace over misery any day, any time. In a world of turmoil, deception, hypocrisy and insensitivity, peace can be elusive.  Believe in the power of love and peace.  Loving yourself first enhances your capability to share that love with others.

 

Courage is my voice against fear

I choose to believe my best day is ahead of me. My passion for success is stronger than my fear of failure.

Manifestation

What you want is not always possible in the way you expect.  But what you need will always come through.

The power of manifestation.

The power of belief.

The power of gratitude.

The power of love.

 

Thought for today….

A little bit of #WednesdayWisdom:

Day 4 – Eliminating Toxic Relationships

Day 4 of the Self-Esteem Challenge. Let’s keep the ball rolling!  Today we’re going to be discussing the important subject of toxic relationships.

We’ve probably all had to endure a toxic relationship at some point in our life.   When we think of toxic relationships, we think of narcissistic abusers, people who try to manipulate you into feeling the same shame and guilt that they’re living with.  However, there are also more subtle forms of toxic relationship traits.  The complainers, the criticisers, the energy vampires – they are INCREDIBLY detrimental to self-esteem. They make you feel bad all the time and put a dark cloud over your head.

 7 things negative people will do to you. They will…

1. Demean your value
2. Destroy your image
3. Drive you crazy
4. Rob you of your dreams
5. Discredit your imagination
6. Deframe your abilities
7. Disbelieve your opinions

This is why negative people must be, if not eliminated from your life, then drastically minimised. They will drag you down, crush your self-esteem, and leave you miserable.  SURROUND yourself with people who affirm and value you. With people who love you for who YOU are.

Take out a sheet of paper and write down the three relationships that have the most toxic effect on you.  Take time to think through this. Who criticises you the most? Complains the most? Dumps their problems on you the most? Who always makes you feel like garbage?  Decide today to spend less time with these people. You may not be able to cut these people out of your life, but you can certainly spend less time with them. Or if they are close family, you can approach them about how you feel.

Now write down the three most positive people in your life. Those who encourage and affirm you them most. Those who make you feel happy. Those who appreciate you the most.  Resolve to spend MORE time with them. Call one of them immediately and try to set up a time to get together.

By eliminating toxic relationships and replacing them with positive ones, you’ll see a dramatic improvement in your self-esteem.

 

Day 3 Eliminating Negative Self-Talk

Many people sabotage their self-esteem by unhealthy and negative self-talk – the negative committee that sits inside your head, telling you stuff you wouldn’t dare say to someone else, because you know it would hurt their feelings.

I should be better.

I shouldn’t have done that.

No one likes me.

I’m useless at my job/school

I’m never going to be happy.

You, too, may have a soundtrack of negativity running through your mind throughout the day.  This negative self-talk sucks you down and puts you under a dark cloud. It kills your self-esteem and causes you to dislike yourself.

But here’s the thing.

The negative self-talk is all LIES! None of it is true!

And it really, really, needs to end. If you want to grow in self-esteem, your negative self-talk needs to STOP!

Today it’s time for positive self-talk to bloom in your life.

Today, pay close attention to the self-talk that goes on in your head. You may even want to keep a journal and make notes about the negative soundtrack running in your head.  Every time you become aware of negative self-talk, stop and write down the negative thoughts in your journal. Don’t be vague. Write down EXACTLY what’s going through your mind.   Yes, it will be time consuming and more than a little annoying, but it’s important to become aware of your own un-empowering thoughts about yourself, before you can start to empower yourself.

Then – and this is crucial – replace the negative self-talk with one of the affirmations from yesterday’s challenge.

Write this affirmation in your journal and say it out loud five times. Your goal for the day is to have FIVE TIMES more positive self-talk than negative.

As you do this, you’ll be amazed at the effect is has on your day.

Remember to keep that log of your self-talk today!

Tomorrow we’re going to be talking about negative toxic relationships and how you can surround yourself with positive people.

 

Until then, please share one of the negative thoughts you encountered and what you replaced it with. Write it in the comments below…

Asking for help does not make you weak.

I’ve had the same header on my Facebook business page for some time now and this morning, I thought about changing it.  Until I had a conversation with a young man who has been struggling with something.  Nobody knew – a chance conversation brought it to light.

I asked him why he hadn’t asked for help and his answer was “I felt dumb and stupid”.

The header stays up.

Daily Reminder : Asking for help does not make you weak.

We need to train ourselves away from the negative assumption that asking for help is wrong.  There are kids falling behind at school because they’re too embarrassed to ask for help.   There are teenagers getting involved in stuff they don’t need to be doing, because they’re too scared to admit they need help.  There are whole relationships that are crumbling because people are too scared to admit they need help.  Too often, not feeling able to ask for help, or believing the stigma that asking for help is somehow a very bad thing, leads to something worse…..

Asking for help does not make you weak.

Help is not the enemy.  Fear is.

The right person will help you challenge that fear.  They don’t have to be a counsellor, or therapist.  They could be a friend, a family member, a colleague.  I know that sometimes embarrassment makes it difficult to open up and someone in a neutral capacity can allay that fear.

Asking for help does not make you weak. 

One of the bravest, most empowering thing you can do is admit to yourself that you’re going to need a little help with this one – whatever “this one” is to you.   Even the act of admitting it to yourself opens up a world of possibilities.   You start manifesting the help you need, or the circumstances you need to be able to get yourself out of a situation.

We need to remove the mindset that asking for help is weak/embarrassing/wrong/makes you look stupid/dumb etc.   And we definitely need to remove this mindset from our young men.

Asking for help does not make you weak.